Monday, 28 May 2012

square one

Is it ok to get to the end of a demanding day and just feel like you're right back at square one? Don't worry, that's rhetorical.

I've been trying so hard. It probably doesn't look like it, but I have.

Today we had our first playdate. Which was a big deal in itself. I'd been psyching myself up for it all weekend. I was nervous. Not sure my fragile social skills would cope. Our boys were born a week apart and Skittle is the eldest. I'd not seen any other babies to compare him too and seeing them together was odd. Big Bubba's Muma was so natural at breastfeeding, I knew I was clumsy and found it difficult but I didn't realise just how badly I was doing. She told stories about their trips out, funny moments and places they'd been and I tried hard to make it seem like we'd done all those normal things too, without admitting that I still haven't left the house with him alone. The hardest part was looking in on her relationship with her son, the way they interacted and being painfully aware of what I lack.

Another friend text me to ask how the morning had gone. My response caused her to reply with "Lol, it wasn't a test." Oh but it was.

She asked questions about his arrival and I had to say things I didn't want to hear. Remember that I can't remember.

If she were ever to read this post I would want her to know that I had a really nice morning. Honestly. She's such a lovely lady. Her boy is seriously adorable. It was nice to talk baby. It was lovely to see how interested Big Bubba was in Skittle. I'd like to meet up with her again. The reason I found it hard had nothing to do with her.

Plus, she brought brownies.

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