This week I've been experimenting with the outside world. Since Skittle came home I've been out three times, one tiny walk on mothers day and two attempts the shops, both of which went very badly.
I'm scared of the outside world. When hubby is at work I have to really make myself even open the curtains. I'm living in fear and it's not attractive. I don't recommend it to anyone.
My head swirls with images and ideas of freak accidents happening as soon as I step outside, I exhaust myself going over various scenarios and I'm scared to put Skittle in these dangerous situations I'm imagining.
When I'm reflecting on it like this, I can see that it sounds irrational. I know I'm still living like Skittle's life is in danger. I know technically it's not, its just I've convinced myself I'm going to lose him and doing anything that might make that happen seems like a preposterous idea. Why? Why, would I go outside into the big, bad, scary world and take my tiny, vulnerable baby with me? I'm frightened something will happen to Skittle or that I'll panic so much that I won't be looking after him properly. I mean members of the public call ambulances for people having panic attacks all the time, hubby gets called to loads of them, I can't be having that happen.
Anyway...this week my parents invited us to centerparcs with them and my sisters. It was wonderful. Really helpful in terms of helping me chill out and get some fresh air. Quite healing really. I love centerparcs, I think I've been about 20 times!
It's pedestrianised and secluded. Quiet and peaceful. Gentle and stunning. Fresh and renewing. You can busy yourself with numerous activities or simply sit back and enjoy the scenery. Mainly I stayed in the villa, soaking up the beauty outside the window, actually in all the times I've been, never have we been in such a beautifully located villa, 2 ponds stretched out just beyond our patio and made for incredibly picturesque surroundings.
Not at all in keeping with my big, bad world view. And for this reason I dipped my toe in.
It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I might just try it again.