Friday, 18 May 2012

dipping my toe in

This week I've been experimenting with the outside world. Since Skittle came home I've been out three times, one tiny walk on mothers day and two attempts the shops, both of which went very badly.
I'm scared of the outside world. When hubby is at work I have to really make myself even open the curtains. I'm living in fear and it's not attractive. I don't recommend it to anyone.

My head swirls with images and ideas of freak accidents happening as soon as I step outside, I exhaust myself going over various scenarios and I'm scared to put Skittle in these dangerous situations I'm imagining.

When I'm reflecting on it like this, I can see that it sounds irrational. I know I'm still living like Skittle's life is in danger. I know technically it's not, its just I've convinced myself I'm going to lose him and doing anything that might make that happen seems like a preposterous idea. Why? Why, would I go outside into the big, bad, scary world and take my tiny, vulnerable baby with me? I'm frightened something will happen to Skittle or that I'll panic so much that I won't be looking after him properly. I mean members of the public call ambulances for people having panic attacks all the time, hubby gets called to loads of them, I can't be having that happen.

Anyway...this week my parents invited us to centerparcs with them and my sisters. It was wonderful. Really helpful in terms of helping me chill out and get some fresh air. Quite healing really. I love centerparcs, I think I've been about 20 times!

It's pedestrianised and secluded. Quiet and peaceful. Gentle and stunning. Fresh and renewing. You can busy yourself with numerous activities or simply sit back and enjoy the scenery. Mainly I stayed in the villa, soaking up the beauty outside the window, actually in all the times I've been, never have we been in such a beautifully located villa, 2 ponds stretched out just beyond our patio and made for incredibly picturesque surroundings.

Not at all in keeping with my big, bad world view. And for this reason I dipped my toe in.

It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I might just try it again.


  1. Hooray! That sounds a beautiful half way point, a gorgeous surrounding with family close by in case you need them. Hope you all had a relaxing break and Skittle enjoyed his adventure. Don't beat yourself up for feeling guilt over the idea of living in fear or danger-I'm not saying it is the healthiest way, but it is a perfectly normal reaction to a traumatic time and a large proportion of parents in similar situations will admit to doing so. Do things at your own pace and ease yourself into things as and when suits your family. You're a regular new mum as well as a new mum of a premature baby. Someone once said to me once, if you had been in a car crash, your first thought wouldn't be be go racing just yet! xx

  2. Oh you're so kind, thank you. The whole car crash/racing idea is so true, I think I should be running before I can walk! xx

  3. I had those thoughts too. I was scared of having a cup of tea in case I scalded Joseph, I had a fear of the iron. I was scared of all sorts of stuff, like falling if he was in the sling, or losing grip of the pram and it hurtling away.

    I am happy to say Joseph is now three, and has survived my parenting just fine.

    I was talking to my *ahem* psychiatrist about it, and she said its perfectly normal, and the brain's way of making sure your "risk assessing" everything you are doing and keeping your baby safe.

    Glad you had a great time at Centre Parcs, I have never ever been to one!

    1. Glad it's normal - shame it's so tiring!

  4. I remember feeling that fear too with my first baby, he is 22 years old now and turned out just fine. Those feelings eased as time went on. We love centre Parcs too and have been going for the past 25 yrs. We take all 4 of the kids and now our Granddaughter. Such a fabulous place to chill out xxx