Wednesday, 23 January 2013

the hard part really starts

"Now the hard part really starts!"

Are you freaking joking?! I have spent the best part of two months separated from my son. My tiny son who we thought was going to die. And now I am counting down the hours until rooming in day and therefore being with him forever and you say to me "now the hard part really starts".

The look of utter disbelief etched into my face wasn't usually enough to inspire people to back track. Hubs was on the receiving end of this comment far more frequently than I was and as is his nature, was far more gracious than I was. My response was generally stare straight into their eyes and say sternly, fiercely and somewhat rudely "nothing is as hard as leaving your baby in hospital and coming home without them every night for weeks, I'm fairly sure it is only going to be easier from now."

And of course, there are, have been and will be forever hard bits, that's just parenting isn't it? But over the last year I still haven't thought of anything hard er than leaving your baby in NICU. So no, for me the hard bit didn't start with rooming in. For me it marked the fact that the very hardest part was over.

This post was inspired by the discussion Leanna from started over on Facebook about rooming in. Her post 'doors' is excellent, as is Christina's brilliant post over on ...if you're looking for something less petty than my ramblings!

Friday, 18 January 2013


Staring blankly out the window at the falling snow. Knowing I should be doing something more important but struggling to focus or concentrate. Wishing the cars driving passed would stop. The slush makes it loud. And right now I want quiet. Leave me alone world I want to get my head round this memory I'm trying to trudge out from the depths. Last year I missed the snow completely. London was at a stand still in thick snow that made it hard for anyone to get around. I was strapped to a bed, trapped by wires and monitors drifting in and out of consciousness as the night turned to white. I remember seeing a few flakes from the window as my blurry eyes stared blankly and fearfully across the room. But really I don't remember much. Just fear. Just thinking I was going to die and I would never see hubs again and Baby wouldn't get to live.

I love snow. This morning before hubs went to work we took Skittle outside in the dark to experience his first glimpse of the good stuff. He seemed impressed ...and confused as to why we would take him outside in the dark and pull him around in a box. But today my mind flashed back to last year. And mercifully the traffic has paused to give me the chance to get my head sort of round it. As usual though I can't. I can't feel the way I want to, think the way I want to. I want to be less numb in the hopes I move forward.

But today has a happy ending, as did last years snow day. Skittle lived. Skittle lives. Thankful doesn't come close.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

catch up

So I've been away from the blogging scene for a little while, it's been a challenging few months with some real dizzy highs and some deep dark lows. I know I've done a few random posts here and there but yesterday we got internet to our new flat, so blogging and reading blogs will become a whole lot easier again!

Here's what we've been up to...