Saturday, 2 March 2013


I used to be quite a tearful person I think. Hopefully not overly so, but I mean, I would well up at a touching story or have a little weep at a moving documentary. I had emotions, I felt sadness, compassion, anger, hurt, empathy in what I considered to be healthy proportions.

I  guess I'm just trying to say I'm kind of sensitive. Or at least I was.

I used to like just having a good cry. Or even just a little cry. A let-it-all-out-and-you'll-feel-better kind of cry.

This fascet of my personality appears to have upped sticks as it were. I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried since Skittle came home. After sobbing for about a month, when he was transfered from high dependancy to low dependancy that was it, click. Emotions switched off.

Maybe not all emotions. I'm not now the tin woman. I hope I still have the capacity to be moved, at least for the sake of others. But in terms of appropriate reactions, I'm annoying myself.

Why can't I just cry? Be sad, let-it-all-out? Instead I often feel numb, blank, distant. Anger no longer takes the form of a good, strong minded discussion/letter/complaint but a fairly strong urge to self harm because I am so stuck I don't know how to express what I want to feel.

Blumin NICU, it has so much to answer for. At least I think it was NICU. Maybe I'm just talking rubbish and these ramblings make no sense. Leanna talks about mummy-bot...I think she understands all this better than I do. I'm so thankful for other premmy mummy blogs, to help me unravel and get clarity.