Tuesday, 26 June 2012

seeing green

Here is a lovely friend of mine holding my little Skittle. When this photo was taken she was just over half way through her pregnancy. Now she's 35 weeks.

35 whole weeks. 5 more than me.

To be honest. I'm a bit jealous. Green eyed envy monster has got me.

I don't like feeling this way. It's not attractive in the slightest.

Obviously I'm really happy for her, really nervous for her, really concerned about her, really excited for her. I keep telling her to lie down, sit down, rest, stop etc. She is amazing, she's doing a great job of being pregnant. I saw her yesterday while my hubby helped them move house. After a fairly busy and stressful day she looked stunning. A little worn out and she did lie on the sofa for a while to relieve some muscular, back related pain but all in all she's doing great.

She chatted freely about her hopes for using the lovely lighting in the pool at the birthing centre with another of our friends and I had to fight back the tears. Swallow hard.

Lighting?! I thought. I would have settled for consciousness.

Another friend of mine is due next week. She's been begging for her waters to break since about 35 weeks. Doesn't she know about jaundice and phototherapy? We're supposed to be going to visit them at the end of the month but I'm seriously struggling with the thought of seeing a newborn at home.

I don't want to be finding it this hard. I want all these feelings to go away and leave me alone. I am happy for my lovely friends, of course I am, but oh so much disappointment, such guilt and so many 'what ifs'...

Saturday, 16 June 2012

Father's Day

Skittle has an amazing Daddy. He loves us both so much. We are outrageously blessed to have him in our lives. He has been a pillar of strength and calm in what has been a really turbulent couple of years. 

I don't really know what happened on the day Skittle arrived but his Daddy does. As a paramedic he probably knew far too much actually. 

I know that the day before, he called an ambulance.

I know my only clear memory of that day is of him speaking loudly into the radio of his colleague over the sound of the siren.

I know he had to leave me at the hospital because they wouldn't treat me without my maternity notes.

I know he had to watch swarms of Drs and specialists try to decide whether or not to deliver.

I know he had to call my Dad.

I know he had to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And then choose between which ITU to visit and go between us both many, many times.

Skittle has an amazing Daddy who carefully cared for him for at least a fortnight before I could even stand up. Daddy was the first one to change his nappy and the first one to give him a bath.

He would sit next to him for hours and make the 1 hr and 20 minute round trip up to 3 times a day.

Tomorrow Skittle and I will make him breakfast in bed and thank him for all he has done so far. Over the years Skittle will come to see that his Daddy is a hero.

Monday, 11 June 2012

slow down

slow down baby slow down
wait for me to catch up

4 months old
how can you be?

i want to memorise you, your features, your sounds, your sweetness

you're growing so fast poppet - getting so big

do you know I'm your mummy?
would you know if I were to disappear?
how could I ever be good enough for you?

Thursday, 7 June 2012

every kind of guilt

- guilt he came early, I failed.

- guilt he was alone, I wasn't there for him.

- guilt when talking to other prem mum's that he wasn't earlier, a weird one.

- guilt that there are things I can't remember.

- guilt that I'm not getting out and making lovely early memories.

- guilt that I didn't push for a dr to see him earlier when I noticed the skin infection on day 7, which by day 9 was full on septicemia.

- guilt that I feel so traumatised even though it could have been so much worse, I mean we have him.

- guilt for putting my hubby through a hellish day.

- guilt for being miserable and stressy and not being able to snap out of it.

- guilt for not being kinder to the other mums.

It's getting out of hand. I think I can twist anything to compound feelings of guilt even more.

When will it end?

Friday, 1 June 2012

reasons to be cheerful

It's Friday and on a Friday I like to think about reasons to be cheerful from my week. You can do it too, look here for the original details.

So up this week...

1. Skittle wore big boy clothes.
2. I got a big order from photobox, I heart photos.
3. It's been warm.
4. Midnight baths, embrace the fun!
5. Sat on a bench in the park just chillin'.
6. Went for a long walk with hubby on his day off.
7. Sleepy cuddles.
8. I managed to walk outside the front door with Skittle and stand on the lawn for 10 minutes.
9. Our first playdate was a success.

Happy days :)