Wednesday, 28 March 2012


I feel so useless. I am useless. I didn't give birth to my son. You couldn't even say that I had him. He was just taken out of me one day because I was so useless at being pregnant. So useless in fact that they had to put me to sleep in order to have him for me.

No incredible birth story. No beautiful experience. No indescribable moment shared between hubby and I. No hearing his first cry. No cutting the cord. No kissing his head as he entered the world. No chance to feel his slimy newborn skin. No tearful moment of wonder at what we'd accomplished.

I won't be watching 'One Born Every Minute' again that's for sure. I used to like trawling through baby websites reading birth stories before Skittle was born. It's not like I had great expectations ready to be destroyed. No wonderful birth plan to be cancelled. Didn't imagine it would necessarily be a natural birth, with my history they'd be keeping a close eye. I wasn't being unrealistic, I had thought a c-section might be in order. But I'd always said "a c-section under general anaesthetic, that would just be my worst nightmare".

My worst nightmare came true.

My gorgeous boy didn't hear our voices, he wasn't hugged and kissed, he didn't feel warm skin. I couldn't feel more guilty even if I tried. Nothing could be worse. Oh have I tried to make up for it. In NICU I stroked him, held him, kissed him, sang to him, talked to him. Had as much skin-to-skin as the nurses would allow and only ceased my entourage of contact when his temperature wasn't regulating and I was told to shut the incubator doors. Now he's home I talk and talk every time he's awake and the little love has barely been put down, I'm desperate for him to feel secure. For those early experiences not to have hurt him.

Look at that little eye open a crack, wondering what on earth is going on. Where has that warm, watery place gone that I was comfortably sat in earlier? The amazing thing is that Skittle really was fine, the whole time. No blips in heartrate, no distress on the monitor, he was ok. And much as that is fantastically brilliant, it really does mean it was my fault he came out too soon. If I could have been stronger he could still be in me now. For another 2 whole weeks.  

1 comment:

  1. Awww. I hope you are not still feeling this way. It's true, you have missed out on all the things you've said and nothing can replace that. but its also true that there will be brilliant things that come out of this this amazing blog for example :-)