Wednesday, 28 March 2012

i just wasn't ready

And I'm still not. How could I ever be?

Having spent a month and a half leaving him with other people, letting nurses hold him, watching different people care for him and seeing nursery nurses pick him up and carry him just because he's cute. Feeling secondary and not good enough for him.

So when the family arrived to see Skittle for the first time at home, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for them to cuddle him, I didn't like them holding him and passing him around. I was just about ok with my Mum and sisters visit, I knew my Mum understood and they each had one cuddle, no playing pass-the-baby. But I found it really hard when he cried and at one point just took him off my sister-in-law because he was upset and I needed to comfort him. Not her. Not anyone else. It's my turn. Me and hubby have spent long enough watching other people do it and now I can't bring myself to allow others to join in.  I'm aware it sounds selfish and it's not attractive, but right now Skittle is more important.

And I'm sure it sounds extreme too. Over protective. Unnecessary. Mean. Unfair even, to deprive other lovely people of a little baby cuddle. But I'm just not ready to hand him over. And I don't know when I'm going to be. That first month and half was so horrendous I'm not sure when this feeling will fade.

The strange thing is, having other people here holding him evoked two polar opposite reactions. Firstly deprivation, thinking others are keeping me from holding my baby close. I don't think its jealousy. I'm not jealous of others cuddling him, I just literally can't stand the separation, no matter how minor a relative holding him in our own home may seem. But the other reaction is fear and shut down.

When my family members were cuddling Skittle I just felt terrible, like I should just go and hide in the other room because clearly whoever was holding him would do a better job of looking after him anyway. I fought this withdrawal hard. I know it's just the effects of him needing hospital care. I know its a result of feeling helpless for so long. I know it's not the case now. I know they've let him home because they think we're capable of looking after him ourselves now. I know the family just think it's nice to cuddle their new nephew/grandson/great-grandson. But it fills me with fear. Probably irrational, but so much fear. This is one of the reasons why I'm reluctant to go out anywhere or see people, what if they take him off me. I can't cope yet.

I'm not ready.

1 comment:

  1. just wanted him all to yourself bless you, which is entirely understandable,we premmy mums need this special time to bond. I remember when smidge first came out, initially (when i was in the hospital) i thought i was going to have a big baby shower etc.Once home I realised i didnt want that at all, i just wanted it to be us and only us. its so normal to be overprotective, dont worry about it!