Monday, 1 October 2012

mixed bag

Well hubs has gone back to work. Having had 2 months off to avoid wife PND hospital admission, this week was the week that had loomed. 

I felt ready. Ish. 

We had done almost everything I had wanted to manage alone, so that when it came to flying solo I could indeed fly, not fall. I had gone to the shops, got used to being out the flat more and generally just become slightly more socially acceptable. 

That said, it's been a mixed bag. There have been moments that I've loved. Moments I'm proud of and enjoyed. Moments that I'll cherish. I popped Skittle in the sling and we walked round the corner to a friends house. 

I walked. With Skittle. Round the corner. To a friends house. Me. Baby. Yay. 

This is a big deal. Even if it sounds like I'm maybe going a bit over the top. To me, this was huge. 

I sent hubs a picture of us all wrapped up and ready to go!

Then there were also moments where I felt so overwhelmed, out of my depth and depressiony. Where I don't think I said anything for a couple of hours and can't remember time passing, where I blanked off. I hate that. Skittle doesn't deserve that. 

And the other thing, something that made a really big difference. The fact that I only actually had one day on my own. Of the three days that hubs was back on shift, my Mum and sisters came to stay for 2 of them. So really it wasn't that big a deal. I had company and plans. 

I am trying to focus on the positive and say it was a good start. We did well. We did so much better than before. Skittle is so much bigger and into books and toys, he isn't anaemic anymore and doesn't sleep as much. I loved spending time with him and doing his veggies and reading him stories. 

But then the positive disappears behind the nagging voices that I didn't really do that well at all. That it's been 8 months and I am ridiculous for thinking that one day is an achievement  That it's pathetic that I have to put such effort into something that is so natural. That there are wonderful single parents, who are friends of mine, some with 4 kids, doing a fabulous job every flippin day, all day. So why am I so crap at it? 

And Skittle is so adorable, cute and easy. He hardly cries and isn't crawling or even sitting so he doesn't need chasing around. So what am I so scared of?

1 comment:

  1. I don't think it's as easy as just thinking about what there is to be "scared of". And just because all those other people seem to be coasting by, it doesn't mean they are or were in the early days. Depression and anxiety are illnesses too, not just emotional states that can be rationalised. Be kind to yourself. It's a brilliantly massive big step and you should be so proud. x