It's a been a while since I've been out and about on a regular basis. A couple of days after we came home from NICU we went out for a walk, for about 5 minutes if that. I wanted to enjoy it, but I didn't. Then gradually over the next couple of weeks and a few more attempts, PTSD really set in and I didn't go out again (other than for appointments) for about 3 months. I stayed safely inside where I could control all the risks. And although at times I will still terrified indoors on my own it was a lot better than outside, so inside I stayed.
|Our 1st walk, March 2012|
I did want to go out. I had ideas of taking Skittle places and meeting up with a friend and even going on the train to see my family but in the main I couldn't even follow through with a walk outside the flat block. I'd put my boots on and find a coat, sometimes even open the front door but would never make it any further and then get immensely frustrated with myself for being so gripped by fear.
In the end I wrote a list and hung it up in the kitchen. Things I wanted to do or be able to do by certain dates. I surprised myself when it came to the Bliss Buggy Push, when I booked us in I thought surely I'll be feeling fine by June. But no, it was really really hard to go. But we did it. This week I walked to the post box on my own (almost, hubs stood on the corner) and I went to the HV clinic.
We've walked on the beach and enjoyed our friend's garden.
We've been out for strolls and walked to M&S, I've been in with Skittle while Hubs waited for us in the car park.
And although we didn't go to GBK by the date set (because I had a voucher due to run out) we did go to Zizzi for hubs birthday...and enjoyed it!
I am almost embarrassed to write this post. Ashamed that I've done so poorly of late that it even needs to be written. I haven't quite completed my list, or carried out some of my tasks on my own. But it's progress. Progress from the girl that didn't go out and struggled to open the curtains. The girl that just walked up and down the car park outside our block of flats for about a month. The girl that now doesn't panic when she leaves the front door.
I might be nervous and a bit tense but it's a darn sight better than full on panic attacks so excuse me while I'm proud of our trips out and about.
We even managed a train journey, during which I felt no where near as calm as I look, but more about that another day. For now I'm just happy things aren't the way they were. We've got a way to go but we've come a way too.