Sunday, 9 September 2012

i left him

I said I never would. And then I did. I didn't want to, but I had to. Night after night in NICU saying goodbye, walking out the door. Turning around for once last look at my precious boy. Sobbing as I left. Every step further away from the incubator hurt. I didn't want to leave him.

As we walked out of NICU for the last time, with Skittle, I vowed never to leave him again. Although I knew really that this was a silly vow. One that could never be kept. My son would grow up and go to school and make friends and be a big boy and become a young man that really didn't mind if his mum left him. But in that moment, I never wanted to say goodbye again.

But then I had to. I had to go to the Dr and I had to go to my counselling appointments and Skittle couldn't come too. So he hung out with Daddy and they had a fine time. I enjoy them having their Father-Son time. I think it's important and they both need as much of it as possible.

But today was different. Today wasn't an appointment. I just went out. And I didn't like the feeling.

After 7 months, I finally left the flat without my baby, drove solo for the first time and sat for an hour and a half in Church and chatted to people at the end. With Skittle's dodgey immune system we can't take him places where he's likely to get prodded and there are lots of children so Church is a no go. But hubs and I decided I would go in the morning and he would go in the evening because we've only been a handful of times since Skittle was born and we miss it and it's important to us.

I made the most of it and wore my hair down and put a necklace on, 2 things I can't do with a baby in toe. And I sat there with my phone on my lap staring at the photo of Skittle, texting hubs and generally missing the two of them a heck of a lot. They walked down the road and met me afterwards and I immediately felt relief and popped him in the sling when we got home.

But hey, I've done it now. And that's a good thing right? But I'm in no hurry to do it again, it's just going to be a Sunday morning thing.


  1. It's such a personal thing, you've really got to be comfortable with it when it is right for you. I remember friends with babies having babysitters in relatively early which was great for them but felt a bit wierd and pressurized because I wasn't (and still am not) doing the same, apart from work which felt different as it was more of a necessity! I have left Wriggles for the occasional half an hour wityh grandparents to go to the supermarket (you know, fun places) but I still practically run back through the front door every time!

    1. Oh thanks for the reassurance, it's good to know I'm not the only one! It feels like everyone who has had a baby recently is already having babysitters and happily going solo on a regular basis. I'll be in your run-back-through-the-door club and keep separation to a minimum! xx

  2. I'm the same. Will leave smidge with her dad for an hour or so for a quick bit of me time, but couldn't imagine leaving her with anyone else. I understand your reservations about taking skittle to church. ( too many cheek pinchers) but think it's great that you're going, to reconnect with your support network. Very important x