Tuesday, 26 June 2012

seeing green

Here is a lovely friend of mine holding my little Skittle. When this photo was taken she was just over half way through her pregnancy. Now she's 35 weeks.

35 whole weeks. 5 more than me.

To be honest. I'm a bit jealous. Green eyed envy monster has got me.

I don't like feeling this way. It's not attractive in the slightest.

Obviously I'm really happy for her, really nervous for her, really concerned about her, really excited for her. I keep telling her to lie down, sit down, rest, stop etc. She is amazing, she's doing a great job of being pregnant. I saw her yesterday while my hubby helped them move house. After a fairly busy and stressful day she looked stunning. A little worn out and she did lie on the sofa for a while to relieve some muscular, back related pain but all in all she's doing great.

She chatted freely about her hopes for using the lovely lighting in the pool at the birthing centre with another of our friends and I had to fight back the tears. Swallow hard.

Lighting?! I thought. I would have settled for consciousness.

Another friend of mine is due next week. She's been begging for her waters to break since about 35 weeks. Doesn't she know about jaundice and phototherapy? We're supposed to be going to visit them at the end of the month but I'm seriously struggling with the thought of seeing a newborn at home.

I don't want to be finding it this hard. I want all these feelings to go away and leave me alone. I am happy for my lovely friends, of course I am, but oh so much disappointment, such guilt and so many 'what ifs'...


  1. Hi :)
    It sounds bizarre but you know I think its healthy to be feeling this way. Us prem Mum''s go through what some people describe as a sort of grieving process. There's denial, anger and then finally acceptance (or so I'm told) I guess we just work through these feelings.For me it was a big step forward just being able to acknowledge what I found painful.xxx

    1. Thanks so much for your lovely supportive comment, acceptance seems so far off! We'll get there one day! x