If I'm honest, I've really not been coping all that well. Hubs says I'm doing fine. But it's been over 5 months I've still only been out with Skittle on my own once, I managed but it was awful. My knees knocked, my heart pounded and my mind went wild. It was a trip to the baby clinic just for a weigh in.
In the waiting room "normal" mums discussed baby groups and where they liked going and getting their "me" time. Some of them talked about how they'd given up breastfeeding after 2 weeks because they thought it took too much time out of the day. Some of them talked about how traumatic immunisations were. You cannot be serious? I just sat there, breathing a bit too fast.
You don't fit in, said my brain.
Putting on a brave face has been my aim.
Don't admit how badly you're doing, don't tell anyone - it's embarrassing.
I'm so ashamed of myself for doing such a rubbish job at something that's supposed to be so natural. Hubs says I'm too hard on myself, my expectations are too high. By I see other mums and they're worlds are so different to mine, they're doing so well, they make it look so easy and I have to try so hard to develop my relationship with my son. That just doesn't make sense. Isn't it supposed to happen in an instant? A rush. A beautiful moment.
After 5 months I was persuaded to take a trip to my lovely GP, to try and tell her all has not been hunky dory. I blurted it out, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the irrational fears, the isolation, the self harming, the wanting to running away.
And she didn't tell me I was stupid, or to get over it, or that everything was fine now so I should move on. She was supportive, she shared about her son and she made me feel a little less useless. She's a GP, who used to be a cardiologist, she's an insanely intelligent, lovely, together lady and she struggled too.
Time to get help she said and then she made a plan. She spoke to hubs. For ages. So now I've started anti-depressants, seen a psychiatrist, had a mental health referral for counselling at a post natal depression clinic, the health visitor is coming and she signed hubs off work for 2 months.