Monday, 16 July 2012


I'm really blessed to have a totally lovely GP. She cares and she knows. Her baby was born at term but transferred to GOSH and had 2 lots of surgery in his first 16 weeks. She gets it. She gets the fear and she's learnt to handle it. I haven't.

If I'm honest, I've really not been coping all that well. Hubs says I'm doing fine. But it's been over 5 months I've still only been out with Skittle on my own once, I managed but it was awful. My knees knocked, my heart pounded and my mind went wild. It was a trip to the baby clinic just for a weigh in.

In the waiting room "normal" mums discussed baby groups and where they liked going and getting their "me" time. Some of them talked about how they'd given up breastfeeding after 2 weeks because they thought it took too much time out of the day. Some of them talked about how traumatic immunisations were. You cannot be serious? I just sat there, breathing a bit too fast.

You don't fit in, said my brain.

Putting on a brave face has been my aim.

Don't admit how badly you're doing, don't tell anyone - it's embarrassing. 

I'm so ashamed of myself for doing such a rubbish job at something that's supposed to be so natural. Hubs says I'm too hard on myself, my expectations are too high. By I see other mums and they're worlds are so different to mine, they're doing so well, they make it look so easy and I have to try so hard to develop my relationship with my son. That just doesn't make sense. Isn't it supposed to happen in an instant? A rush. A beautiful moment.

After 5 months I was persuaded to take a trip to my lovely GP, to try and tell her all has not been hunky dory. I blurted it out, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the irrational fears, the isolation, the self harming, the wanting to running away.

And she didn't tell me I was stupid, or to get over it, or that everything was fine now so I should move on. She was supportive, she shared about her son and she made me feel a little less useless. She's a GP, who used to be a cardiologist, she's an insanely intelligent, lovely, together lady and she struggled too.

Time to get help she said and then she made a plan. She spoke to hubs. For ages. So now I've started anti-depressants, seen a psychiatrist, had a mental health referral for counselling at a post natal depression clinic, the health visitor is coming and she signed hubs off work for 2 months.

Relief. So much relief. Relief that I'm not always going to feel like this. Things will get better. I can embrace the gorgeous family I have. I won't always be this blue.


  1. I am really glad for you that you opened up to someone who understood and could well be a wrock over the coming months. You have nothing to be ashamed of and are far from failing.
    5 months is such a short space of time. I remember when we came home, it was ages before we went any further than blasted ASDA! It's not easy, but it is better in the long run to take things at your own pace. Counselling helped a lot. She once said to me "Would you put a car accident victim in a racing car straight away?" and I guess the point applies. You can't just shake it off, much as you might want to, and actually, 90% of the yummy mummy brigade have problems too. When I finally plucked up the courage to talk to the normal ones and then begin to make friends, I found that nearly everyone had something that was not going to go away. We were all just trying to put a brave face on and didn't notice.
    It isn't forever, and you won't always feel like this. And Skittle wouldn't mind even if you did! xx
    ps. that rush of love thing is an urban myth (I have decided). It took me months to accept and really love without fear and that very fact hurt more than anything else. It doesn't make you a bad mummy or less of a parent. You're not just a parent, you're a human too x

  2. Oh my dear dear mummy friend.

    We are all here for you, we've been in a similar place to you, lean on us too.

    You will get better. You will move on from this time, at your own pace, with help. You won't always feel inferior, robbed and cheated.

    You are a beautiful, brave mummy with a darling little man and a wonderful husband, and in time you will be able to enjoy life again.

    Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

    And I mean it, don't be a stranger. I am 3 years on now, and I love where I am in my head but it took a long time to get here.

  3. Hello :) I bet your a much better mum than some of those hair straightening- I- candy pushing, conservatory building mamas anyway!! Having a preemie changes people, and if you ask me, it's not always for the worst. Of course, we have to work through stuff but I think we are all the better people because of it, trust in your process, you're a great mama!!