Monday, 16 April 2012

the shame

It's happening.

I'm falling in love.

I'm bonding.

He's starting to feel like mine.

I'm so ashamed that it's taken time. Any length of time seems unatural. I don't think I could ever say it out loud or admit it to anyone. You're supposed to get that rush of love and giddy emotion when you see your baby for the first time. Trouble is most people see their baby for the first time as they're coming into the world. I missed out on that. I went into a room with 6 incubators and had to be told which one contained my baby. I had a terrible fear of them moving the babies round while I wasn't there and then not being able to recognise my own baby. Oh the shame.

Don't get me wrong. I loved him from the word go. Not everyday am I all gooey, weak at the knees and gushy-in-love with my husband, but everyday I love him, with all my heart and every piece of me. Same with skittle, I loved him intensely before I had even met him, but in these last few days we have had at home alone together, I've started to finally feel like a muma.

Devastatingly I can't remember the first time I saw him. I am absolutely heartbroken that this is the case. I have no memory of seeing him ventilated from the left hand side of the incubator, yet there is a photo of me with him. My first memory is of him on cpap looking in from the right hand side of the box. I can't describe how guilty I feel for being unable to recall our first encounter. 

What kind of a mother can't remember the first time she saw her child. 

It's horrendous. I will surely always feel wretched about it, always mourn the loss of that memory.

But right now, I have my gorgeous boy who I love so much, peacefully sprawled out across my tummy, his hand placed up under my chin, mouth wide open and sweet little sleepy breaths landing on my cheek.

 Nothing could be more wonderful, I just wish I could have had the chance to feel this way the moment he entered the world. I feel like a terrible person because of arriving at this place so late. No one else would understand and if I told anyone they'd judge me harshly I'm sure. I don't even know if writing it down helps it to make sense; I have always loved him the way I do today, it's just that today it *feels* better.

He's mine. I'm his. I love him.


  1. Hannah, I don't think anyone in their right mind would judge you harshly. Not only have you all had a difficult start but this rush of love is something that doesn't not happen for even the most textbook and "perfect" pregnancy and birth. The important thing is getting there, whether it takes seconds, weeks or months. An awful lot can be put down to hormones or primitive reactions like holding back. You may always mourn some of the 'lost' memories, but that does not make you a bad mama, that just means the ones you do have are more cherished. And looking at the last picture, I don't think anyone could doubt how proud and in love you are. Enjoy it xx

    1. Oh gosh thank you for being so kind. You so much wiser than me, you're right the memories I do have and am making are really cherished. And I think the primitive reactions actually keep you going don't they? xx