Thursday, 5 April 2012

praying for you

was all I could do.

Throughout Skittle's time in NICU I was desperately, painfully aware that I couldn't be there for him. Hubby could be with him a bit more than me, whenever he came to the ward to visit me I'd quickly send him down to the neonatal unit, but still he couldn't be with him all day. 

And so I prayed. Not always with words, often I couldn't manage any. I'd just gesture to God, I've got nothing, take these fragile breaths I'm breathing as heartfelt cries for you to intervene.

During Skittle's hospital stay I was reminded of Psalm 23 v 1 "The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing." As far as I was concerned Skittle was lacking everything but still I occasionally found it within me to trust that God was doing more than I could see or understand. 

One night I wrote:

"I'm terrified of losing you. I wake up literally paralysed with fear having had the most disturbing nightmares. I'm so scared of so much at the moment, I'm scared I'm not showing you enough love, I'm scared you'll forget my voice, I'm scared you won't feel comforted or safe or protected. Baby I just want to be there for you, to hold you, comfort you and cradle you in my arms and let you know that you're so wanted and so cared for and so loved. I wish I could sleep by your side and watch your every move. Instead, I fervently pray that God will be all you need and fill in all the spaces I cannot fulfil and that you won't be damaged by this. Love you with all I've got sweet baby boy."

This is still my fear. And still my prayer. It's just now that he's home I do get to hold him, comfort him and cradle him in my arms. And for that, I am oh so thankful.

1 comment:

  1. and its natural to feel scared i think. thats what people dont understand...that the fear doesnt just disappear the day you are discharged.