Maybe it's just me. I expected something to happen last week. I expected a shift, a change, a memory, something. But nothing, really.
I was aware of it. In a try not to think about it, but really it's all I can think about, kind of way. I wanted to feel. To be emotional. To make up for the numbness and the detachedness but no. There were no tears, no break downs, no getting through a whole box of tissues. Just a bit more blankness and the odd bit of welling up.
I am pretty disappointed with myself if I'm honest. I read on I love my preemie group and other prem mum networks that they're all blubbing days before the first birthday. So what's wrong with me? It's not that I wanted to be miserable or sad for no reason, I just wanted to be emotionally more progressed I suppose.
Maybe I'm not even making any sense.
Knowing that I wouldn't want to sit at home thinking "this time last year" minute by minute, we booked to go to centerparcd for the week. We booked a lovely apartment in Redwoods and settled in for a week of memory making. Skittle was a bit snivelly but we were confident it was just teething and went on a merry way. We did do quite a bit of "this time last year" I was really aware of what time it was all day every day. On the 4th of Feb I kept saying to hubs I don't remember this or that due to all the memory loss, on the 5th Feb I had him take a photo of the 3 of us about 15 mins after Skittle was delivered because I wanted to mark the togetherness at a time when last year hubs was stood quivering in an office alone, wondering if we were alive or if he'd be alone forever. I was really keen for it to get passed 1.30pm on the 6th Feb, knowing that that was the time after more than 24 hours that I got to see Skittle for the first time, even if I cant remember it. Grief.
I was thankful. Thankful that we were together. That we had him, that our NICU story had a happy ending and that we had a birthday to celebrate. And guilt. I felt guilt for still struggling with my emotions when we are all fine now. Everyone says it. "But you're all fine now." That phrase probably deserves a post of it's own.
So Skittle is 1. And I am so blessed to be his mummy and so grateful that we made it this far!