Is it just me?

Maybe it's just me. I expected something to happen last week. I expected a shift, a change, a memory, something. But nothing, really.

I was aware of it. In a try not to think about it, but really it's all I can think about, kind of way. I wanted to feel. To be emotional. To make up for the numbness and the detachedness but no. There were no tears, no break downs, no getting through a whole box of tissues. Just a bit more blankness and the odd bit of welling up.

I am pretty disappointed with myself if I'm honest. I read on I love my preemie group and other prem mum networks that they're all blubbing days before the first birthday. So what's wrong with me? It's not that I wanted to be miserable or sad for no reason, I just wanted to be emotionally more progressed I suppose.

Maybe I'm not even making any sense.

Knowing that I wouldn't want to sit at home thinking "this time last year" minute by minute, we booked to go to centerparcd for the week. We booked a lovely apartment in Redwoods and settled in for a week of memory making. Skittle was a bit snivelly but we were confident it was just teething and went on a merry way. We did do quite a bit of "this time last year" I was really aware of what time it was all day every day. On the 4th of Feb I kept saying to hubs I don't remember this or that due to all the memory loss, on the 5th Feb I had him take a photo of the 3 of us about 15 mins after Skittle was delivered because I wanted to mark the togetherness at a time when last year hubs was stood quivering in an office alone, wondering if we were alive or if he'd be alone forever. I was really keen for it to get passed 1.30pm on the 6th Feb, knowing that that was the time after more than 24 hours that I got to see Skittle for the first time, even if I cant remember it. Grief.

I was thankful. Thankful that we were together. That we had him, that our NICU story had a happy ending and that we had a birthday to celebrate. And guilt. I felt guilt for still struggling with my emotions when we are all fine now. Everyone says it. "But you're all fine now." That phrase probably deserves a post of it's own.

So Skittle is 1. And I am so blessed to be his mummy and so grateful that we made it this far!

this time last year

This time last year I was in my last couple of weeks of pregnancy. My blood pressure was seriously low, I fainted often, was in pain, had acid reflux, could barely eat, was still sick, spent most of the day in bed, couldn't work, my hips were getting more and more loose, I needed crutches to walk, my bladder was on strike and I was extremely anaemic. I didn't know how I was going to last 12 more weeks.

But then I didn't have to. 2 more weeks was all I managed. My body gave up, I drifted in and of consciousness and stirred when I heard the words "we're going to have to deliver your baby now, we fear for your life."

I can't stand the thought of being pregnant now, I struggle to look at pregnant people, I think about my own pregnancy and shudder. I hate how the word pregnant looks and that I've written it so many times in this post. I know some people have the most wonderful time. The words bloom, blossom and radiant look so much nicer. Sound so much more enjoyable.

This time last year. Those words are on my lips and running through my mind on repeat at the moment, I shall be glad when these 12 weeks are over too, to get through the birthday, the NICU anniversary and up to the due date. And breathe a big sigh of relief, until next year, where I shall probably do it all again.

The thinking that it is. Not the P thing, that I shall never do again.

Matilda Mae

Dearest lovely Jennie
The mummy we all love so
Our hearts are breaking for you
More than you could know

Your pain is overwhelming
The grief so hard to bare
The world should stop its turning
To show how much we care

If we could lift your burden
Somehow lessen the blow
We would stand beside you
Holding hands, we love you so

This time you’re in, this darkness
This frightening new depth of despair
We pray you’ll find sweet peace around you
In time, a way to bare.

You’re heart is quite remarkable
Beautiful, sweet and tender
Inspiration in you, it knows no bounds
Shown for baby tilda.

Your blog posts simply stunning
The words you carefully choose
Show us your inner beauty
Unique and precious it’s true

Your darling sweet Matilda Mae
Smiling, beaming girl
She was too precious to stay here long
Far too angelic for this world

Her nine months here are treasured
In oh so many lives
The mothering you gave to her
The deepest love, it shines.

We’ve followed you on twitter
Checking how you’re doing
We’re looking at all your pictures
Emotional and moving

The mummy world is hurting
Wish there was something calming to say
Just know that we all hold you in our thoughts
Your family and sweet Matilda Mae