this time last year

We came home from hospital with a discharge sheet that said "failing pregnancy of unknown location" and we were to wait to miscarry. 4 agonizing days later it began. We were living with friends at the time while we waited for our flat to become available, although gracefully they were on holiday at the time.

The devastation rippled though my being and left me in agony and very confused.

I was signed off work for 6 weeks and tried to recover. The stakes were high, I'd had surgery 6 months before that to improve my fertility. It would be effective for 6 months and I was scared that that was it. Our chance had gone. A selection of unhelpful and unpleasant thoughts filled my mind and consumed my thoughts. I struggled to cope.

We saw the GP. She couldn't have been kinder. She ended our appointment saying "don't worry, I see ladies like you all the time. You'll be back in a years time pregnant or with a baby and everything will have changed. You won't feel like this forever."

Yeah right. I mumbled.

Turns out, she was.  

A couple of months went by and then we fell pregnant with Skittle. We went for an early scan but it was too early to see anything, cue insane panic. I thought it was happening again. Lots of pregnancy tests and another week later we saw a little bean. A gorgeous bean. With a flicker of a heartbeat. So much relief swept over us. 

I was worried the whole pregnancy. Worried it would happen again. But it didn't. We had 9 scans in total and every time we saw our little bean become more and more like a baby.

It feels very strange thinking about this time last year. So much has happened in 12 months. I can't quite believe I'm sat on the sofa with a sleeping baby in my arms. It's so hard to think about our lost tiny beans and know how to feel. If either of those pregnancies had been successful, we could never have had Skittle. And no matter what heartache has gone before it's all been worth it to have this incredible baby in my arms right now. 

I don't think I'll ever forget though.

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