#inpremmumagony

When Skittle was in NICU I barely went on facebook or looked at my texts, I just didn't have the brain space and I felt guilty even looking at my phone for fear I wasn't 100% focussed on him at all times. Even when we were at home in the evening all I would permit myself to do would be to flick through photos of him, eat, sleep and express. If I did anything else I felt like even less of a mother for allowing myself to be distracted while my baby fought for his life.

One night though, one hideous, lonely, broken night, the words of the aerosmith song "don't wanna miss a thing" flashed through my mind and it summed up exactly how I felt. I know that nobody could ever fully understand what it's like to have a premature baby unless they've had one, but the lyrics of this song seemed like a window into how I was feeling. And for some reason I wanted people to just consider how agonising it was, so I updated my status.

A few days later the song played on the radio in SCBU and I had to get the dreaded breastfeeding screens out and hide behind it sobbing. What a song to play on a ward like that.

My favourite blogger is an American lady called Kelle. She is a fab photographer and writes really honestly. Really honestly. She's famous for her birth story and she's just written a book, which I'm yet to order, but upon being interviewed about it she said this.


Kelle Hampton: I feel emotions very intensely. Expressing them is another story. I think we're all conditioned to mask certain emotions because we think they won't be accepted or they're "too much." Motherhood definitely compelled me to express emotions more freely. The depth of love, the fear of losing, the need to protect, the unearthly joy -- it was too much for me to contain. That's why I started writing more. And writing something I was thinking seemed more acceptable than saying it out loud. Then with Nella's birth, there were these contrasting emotions that were so difficult to deal with -- grief, fear, sadness, shame. But once I expressed them through writing and realized other women related to them, it gave me the freedom to express myself in a way I had never done before. 


It really resounded with me. I am scared to talk about how I feel since Skittle was born for fear of people thinking it's "too much" or over the top or unecessary or I should keep my feelings to myself. I also am having a hard time just talking about the experience, so I'm writing.


I wrote in hospital, I wrote in the dark of night, I wrote next to his cot, I wrote to free some brain space. I'm writing because I don't want to forget, I need to process and it's easier than talking. Hey I've even had to write notes to hubby and tell him to read my blog posts because I just can't get the words out.

Not many people commented on my status update. I think it was too much. People don't know what to say when others are experiencing pain do they. I think I'm the same. So many friends didn't text or get in touch or have stopped contacting us now. It's making it much harder for me to think of heading back into the real world, but the longer I stay inside I'm pretty sure the harder it will be.


I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time Yeah yeah yeah

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
And I don't want to miss a thing.


-Aerosmith, I don't want to miss a thing