I was aware of it. In a try not to think about it, but really it's all I can think about, kind of way. I wanted to feel. To be emotional. To make up for the numbness and the detachedness but no. There were no tears, no break downs, no getting through a whole box of tissues. Just a bit more blankness and the odd bit of welling up.
I am pretty disappointed with myself if I'm honest. I read on I love my preemie group and other prem mum networks that they're all blubbing days before the first birthday. So what's wrong with me? It's not that I wanted to be miserable or sad for no reason, I just wanted to be emotionally more progressed I suppose.
Maybe I'm not even making any sense.
Knowing that I wouldn't want to sit at home thinking "this time last year" minute by minute, we booked to go to centerparcd for the week. We booked a lovely apartment in Redwoods and settled in for a week of memory making. Skittle was a bit snivelly but we were confident it was just teething and went on a merry way. We did do quite a bit of "this time last year" I was really aware of what time it was all day every day. On the 4th of Feb I kept saying to hubs I don't remember this or that due to all the memory loss, on the 5th Feb I had him take a photo of the 3 of us about 15 mins after Skittle was delivered because I wanted to mark the togetherness at a time when last year hubs was stood quivering in an office alone, wondering if we were alive or if he'd be alone forever. I was really keen for it to get passed 1.30pm on the 6th Feb, knowing that that was the time after more than 24 hours that I got to see Skittle for the first time, even if I cant remember it. Grief.
I was thankful. Thankful that we were together. That we had him, that our NICU story had a happy ending and that we had a birthday to celebrate. And guilt. I felt guilt for still struggling with my emotions when we are all fine now. Everyone says it. "But you're all fine now." That phrase probably deserves a post of it's own.
So Skittle is 1. And I am so blessed to be his mummy and so grateful that we made it this far!
Our first birthday was a blur. I felt really odd leading up to it and then the day felt nothing like I expected it too. The only time I cried was when I read a really touching line in the card from my mother-not-in-law, and that was more because the sentiment was so unexpected but wonderful! Other than that it just felt too surreal, like a dream really. Afterwards I thought "Was that IT?!" then felt hideously guilty for feeling like that about her first birthday! Her second also felt a bit odd too. I really wanted to just forget the past, have lots of fun etc. She didn't quite understand the birthday bit though so it felt much like another day but with presents (that she wasn't fussed about...). On one hand I'm glad I didn't meltdown either time but on the other I wish I felt like 'nothingy'. Having children does funny things to your brain I say!! xx
ReplyDeleteAh little skittle is looking gorgeous as usual! I didn't feel upset at all on Roos first birthday. I think it was because there was this big expectation that this would be 'the point' where it all hit me. It did hit me some months later though, when I wasn't looking! I guess each to their own time frame... Who knows... The worst may already be over!
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