I know this is a fairly irrational thought. There was nothing else we could do.
Why did I leave Skittle?
How could I? Why did I not just stay with him? Why didn't I flatly refuse to move from his side?
I could have slept in the corridor. I could have slept in the car. I remember once around the time of discharge hysterically suggesting to either my mum or hubs that I could sleep on a bench outside because if homeless people did it then surely I could too?
Another, arguably more realistic idea, was to rent a room somewhere near by because I couldn't handle the distance, the drive, the traffic, every mile seemed to make the separation worse. But we just didn't have the finances to make that viable, nor the time to look. Although I'm pretty sure my amazing dad did look for somewhere for us to stay - but London is not exactly brimming with cheap housing solutions.
So sadly it was just impossible.
I know that the majority of NICUs in the UK are not set up with accommodation for parents. There were no facilities for us to stay on our unit.
So leave him we did. I know I had to but how could I? How could I let myself go home and leave him all alone?
I think one of the toughest bits of counselling is when it stirs things up and then you rake back through questioning every move. You know it's irrational and even in the thick of it, you looked into it, but it still rankles and hurts. I had a devil of a job letting go of so many similar thoughts and unhelpful tidbits like this that popped up.
ReplyDeleteNICU is not desertion. It's an area where there is a chronic shortage of beds, accommodation and facilities to enable outstanding family centred care. It is just so tough because it is when you feel you should be there constantly to count, which of course isn't the case at all. x
I too suffer a lot of guilt over this and anger. Why didn't I push to 'room in' more? Why Didn't the unit choose me to room in? Did they think I didn't want to? Should I have forced my case on them more? etc etc
ReplyDeleteFor me, these questions are all about coming to terms with the fact that the start we had wasn't what we wanted :( x
P.s glad you got started with the counselling! X