Saturday, 11 May 2013

PND musings

The swirls of my PND brain, from 21st March

Could I be more of an epic failure of an excuse of a mother? Having spent the last 24hrs with 2 friends and their babies it's clear to see what a mess I've made. My poor baby. It's a good job he has Adam and other family members near by. My friends excel. Like really glide through the day, feeding, playing, chatting, emersing themselves in the wonder of it all. Embracing the beautiful child in their care and it's so sweet to see. I listened to my friend coo and sing during a nappy change and thought about the silent version of our own. I looked on at their joy and delight and my failure and shame tried to pin me down. What have i done? My poor baby. He barely smiled today, left with me while daddy went out, watching his happy baby friend and enthusiastic mummy, wondering what on earth was happening and wondering why his own mummy was so useless. He wasn't chatty or chirpy, he didn't look at me much and rejected my milk. I scanned down my lovely friends calendar at the play dates listed gloriously one day after another. Her son is getting such a great start, such a nurtured beginning and sociable roots. Skittle is over a year and I can count on one hand the number of proper baby things I've done with him. Why why why? What is the freakin matter with me. My poor baby. I tried today, I tried really hard. I played and giggled and made funny faces and sang and nothing, just a blank expression. What if he can't stand me? 

1 comment:

  1. What if you are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself? What if everyone feels a bit like this sometimes too? What if your friends who are cooing at their baby's have bad days too? Would you be kinder to yourself if you knew that they did? X